Things I Learned While Recovering From Surgery

  • Buy an iPad beforehand. I didn’t and I now hate myself.
  • Animals are great company. They are also terrible seat-stealers when you leave the couch to crutch yourself to the bathroom.
  • If you can’t carry your food to the table because of said crutches, place your meal on a plastic tray and kick it across the room with your foot. For best results, wait until the dog is out of the room.
  • Netflix, iPhone games, thick books, and the internet will save your life. Try to avoid daytime TV because it will break your spirit over its knee.
  • Don’t feel bad about asking for help. Also, don’t feel bad about requesting ice cream, tabloid magazines, seasonal pies, and shoulder massages. You’re pitiful right now, so milk it!
  •  Plant yourself next to a window so you can stare longingly out of it all day like a sad orphan child. This will make people feel even more sorry for you and bring more magazines.
  • You can make the internet bring anything you want to your door. Peapod drivers are much less grouchy about hauling your groceries up three flights of stairs when they find in your sad window-side orphan seat.
  • Do not read online forums about your particular type of surgery after you’ve had it. This will put you on the express train to Crazy Town and make you think of all the things that could possibly go wrong.  Immediately spend the next 3 hours on Pinterest to remove all thoughts from your brain.
  • Showers are a huge pain in the ass and should probably be avoided.

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